Quiet, just a little bit of stillness for a little while. I have a cup of tea at my wrist, tunes playing on my docking station, lentils braising on my stove, to accompany the grilled… maybe poached… chicken breasts I am having for dinner, and the girls are wrapped up in a little bit of Barbie until I feel like fighting with them again to start the bath run.
There are two things sitting right at the top of my thought-box right now. 1.) Do I have the energy to maybe sear those breasts, and wrap them up in a little Black Forest Ham and Emmenthal…brie…? Finish them in the oven? I’m tired this evening, after ‘running’ this morning, and all I really want to do is just sit and write to you. I don’t feel like cooking, or dealing with little girlies who have their own idea of what’s right and wrong.
2.) What awful tea am I drinking? This is what happens when you shop in Germany, because Ceylon tea is not high up on their list of commodities to buy. I really miss 5Roses sometimes. Maybe I should toss the tea out and replace it with a glass (or 2) of ice cold Riesling.
My more intricate thoughts run along the lines of what I sit and think about while I travel to and from school- “have I upset my ‘new friends’ by writing badly of them in a blog I never anticipated they would read?”, or “how much do I miss long tram and bus trips where I can take time to gather thoughts on paper and write, all the while listening to very loud music pulsating through teeny little phone earpieces.”
Do you know, that it is times that I am sitting on the tram or bus that I am often reminded of my London years, and I miss it?
At my heart and soul, I am a country girl. The simple, rural, organic life appeals to me so much more than trendy clothes, blinging jewellery, name brands, fast cars and faster paced work environments.
The thing about London, is that almost anybody can ‘do’ it- be they shy, extroverted, gorgeous, glamorous, ugly, emo, happy, chilled, adventurous, ambitious, lazy. You can be who you want to in London. I have heard one or two friends say to me how drab and dull they find the city and its people, that all they do is to wear black, and sit sadly on their public transport, rude and unsmiling. It’s a petty gripe, because black clothes are practical, and slimming, and maybe you should try be cheerful every day on a train when you fight for a seat, and might have to deal with a strangers’ halitosis.
While living in SW 18, I bought myself a CD Walkman, and every day I would pack my bag for work, and carefully select my cd’s for the day. If I ever adopted a habit of the youth, it was that: walking London City streets listening to music. If possible I would always collect the ‘Metro’, which would feed me with very basic news. In those days, I would spend a fair portion of my salary on music- real actual cd’s, and I would really get wrapped up in the music in those days. I remember having an occasional in-depth discussion about Metallica and philharmonic orchestras with my even-more-occasional flings. It was then that I discovered U2 and Bono’s connection to South Africa- I was on my way to Clapham one afternoon, with Rattle and Hum whirring on the walkman, when I actually heard what he was singing about. I was so excited, and that memory has stayed with me for a very long time. It allowed me to understand and feel something quite different in the occasions that I have been in the audience at their concerts. Plus, that live version of ‘Bullet the Blue Sky’ still garners such a raw feeling in my gut; Bono has such amazing passion for his work. It’s hard to ignore it, and I when I hear that song, I find myself somewhat lacking in energy.
But I am getting lost in my memories. What I’m trying to get across to you is how much I miss those times. I miss getting lost in my thoughts, my mind trapped in mundane musings, moving from pavement to platform, bus to Underground to train, without having to deal with 3 year olds having a temper tantrum.
Does this make me selfish? Would you admit to the same? so that I don’t stand alone….
Between you and me, I am having doubts about my capabilities as a mother. Being a full-time working mum is not all that impressive a role to own. As a full time Executive Chef, overseeing 30 staff, tones of food, irate students, deans, professors, and office personnel, not to mention having to deal with my own bosses, I learnt nothing about how to interact constantly with little minds. You simply cannot appease a three year old girl with the words “Certainly sir, I will look into your concerns, and revert back to you as soon as possible”.
Instead, I have to pretend that the “washing machine ate the purple bling-covered dress, and it is now wet, which is why you can’t wear it to school”, for fear of a crying session at breakfast time, when it’s difficult enough to sit them down to actually EAT breakfast. (The purple bling-covered dress is not allowed at school anymore, after the English teacher told me it causes too many distractions to the three year olds in her class).
In a work environment, equality is (mostly) understood, and it is (sort of) easy to dispute warring staff. With a three year old, and a five year old, it’s different, especially if the younger is a Scorpio, and a du Plessis, and my tender hearted Pisces is often sidelined while I have to deal with temper tantrums, crying and biting from the little monster.
Being a full time mother really deserves much more acclaim. I am just not sure I have it in me, mostly because I am selfish with my time, and I would happily put my feet up with my kindle, or simply sit and write.
We are hoping very soon that the girls will get to stay at school for lunch in the cantine, -which will open up a lot more of my day for my own selfish reasons ;-), and then the mom dynamics change all over again, so I’m going to stop beating myself up, and be patient, and see what happens!
But now, I am going to finish dinner, fight with Beth to make her SIT at the table, eventually will probably have to spoon feed lentils to her, but at least she is eating healthy food.
Anyway, that’s it for tonight, sending all of our love and hugs.
Till next time,
xxx
Pinot, Bretzels, and Cathedrals 