It’s 4am. Yet another night this week plagued by sleeplessness. From the darkness of my room, all I can hear is the dog snoring from Alex’s bed where she disappeared to when I stood up to use the toilet an hour ago. My bladder has long since woken me during the night – it must … More Grief is Non Linear. A Reminder to Myself.
Hey there my Angel. It’s not surprising that today dawned with grey wet skies, given where we are, and what we’ve done. It’s been 40 weeks since your tired body finally said goodbye and today we brought you home. Actually we brought you home 🇿🇦 a little over a week ago. You had been sitting … More Another Farewell
I don’t know if it’s this era of my life or if it’s just me in general, but my writings- wherever they may be (although mostly on the ‘gram) are peppered with what appears to be some kind of mantra: “Life Goes On” and “I am reminded how much my life revolves around its cycles … More 30 September 2025.
Summer in my widowhood continues…with some fresh challenges and, let me be honest: a few more wins than I expected. This is the first summer I have worked throughout (ie, no holiday at all) since 2016 2015 2014 Oh I give up… Since the last summer in South Africa in 2012. Perhaps the 7 day … More The August Winds
A train speeds through the French countryside. Through the window, a lone traveller watches. Her eyes burn a little after shedding tears, and her reflection peers back at her: puffy cheeks, the outline of a second chin, and even her eyes are absent of life. The train slows down to pass through a half derelict … More Strangers
I sense the arrival of the dawn through my closed, sleepy eyes because my bedroom is bathed in the light of the sunrise behind my curtains. I glance at the alarm clock that sits above Anton’s ashes next to his side of the bed. 05:53. It’s even earlier today but Thandi has been restless. My … More Rocky May
We’re already two-thirds of the way through April and I’m blocked creatively- I don’t know what to write. Sure, spring is well and truly upon us. The pom-pom pink blossom trees are rapidly finding their greenery and for the most part, the wisterias are out in abundance, ready to show off their purple finery. Crocuses, … More La Veuve
From the moment in February last year when I realised that something was wrong with Anton, until January, 11 months later as I sat by his bedside watching him die, I spent 12 months writing around the topic of his GBM. 12 months I skirted around my fear, not wanting to say the words [my … More Raw Brutal Honesty.
Anton du Plessis. I was reminded recently that the darkest days of winter are behind us, a date that coincides with my love taking his bicycle out for a final ride. I used this little metaphor when I shared the news, and I think maybe it will stay with me now: the space that he’s … More Tributes to an Honourable Man.
Where do I begin today? Do I set the scene for where I’m writing from (in a cancer ward on a chair at his bedside)? Or so I apologise to my Facebook friends that I’ve gone dark? Or do I take the time to reflect on the passing of calendar dates since I rather dramatically … More January 2025
A definitive ‘clunk’ and the shatter of glass sounded from the kitchen; an IKEA glass storage receptacle crashing onto my tiled floor, and as a Mother with a Sixth Sense, or merely Having Eyes At The Back Of My Head, I knew that when I popped my head into the kitchen, there would either be … More A Miserable December
My dearest friend, It’s confession time: I appeared to have picked up an annoying habit of reading some WhatsApp messages- those kind from caring friends, checking in with us, and after realising that it’s important to spend time on a focussed response which is somethings that is not fluid at the moment, I subsequently decide … More Novembers Notes
Regret and what-ifs bubble up at the forefront of my mind. Regret for the things we’ve said we’ll do and never done. What-ifs for everything else. Countless questions, how you doing?!how’s he doing? Fuck, I just want to scream into the abyss and then pretend this isn’t my life. And this isn’t even my illness … More Be careful what you wish for
I’m not in the best headspace at the moment- I feel like we’re existing in a half-life, where I crave being able to fly on the wingtips of the clouds while snuggling up under my duvet with a book to avoid having to feel anything or make decisions. I scroll through my phone looking at … More Bittersweet Return to Europe.
There is a sombre atmosphere pervading my home this week, almost as thick as the humidity that hovers over these thick summer days, windless but for the fans blowing relentlessly. A deep seated longing for those orange South African sunsets and warm almost-sisterly embraces have embedded themselves into our hearts, and there is no escaping … More A Tale of Two Countries
Who Am I? I am Gaenor. I am a child of a farming community. I’m a chef. I’m a wife and a mother. I live in a foreign country. I am lily white naive. And I have privilege. Who Am I Not? This is where it really gets heavy. Because I am not anything … More Lady Macbeth On Her Stage
Dear friends, First and foremost, I wish to humbly ask your forgiveness for my very chronic all time low letter on Monday night. Ironically, I wasn’t even a little pissed when I wrote it, I was just hurting like hell after what had been a difficult weekend, after a tumultuous 7 months. Secondly, I … More Recall
Monday evening, Boxing Day. As usual, my husband is at work, despite the public holiday. Right now its hard not to be bitter about it, but such is whats normal chez on a la moment. It’s probably better for all of us for the time being- space may, or may not, lead to a greater … More The Day After Christmas
Helloooooo, and a Happy Friday to you all out there today! I hope that all is well with you- I am sorry if it has been a while since I was in touch with you personally, I feel like I should know what you’ve been up to, what’s making you smile, and what is giving … More June 2016
7pm on New Years Eve and I’m sitting in the passenger seat of our car. We are driving on German autobahn en route home after dropping Dad at the airport in Frankfurt. With the exception of Strasbourg highways and by-ways, I think that this route between Strasbourg and Frankfurt has been my most frequented … More … And it’s time to crack open the bubbles to bring in the new year.
Pinot, Bretzels, and Cathedrals 