Pinot, Bretzels, and Cathedrals

Is it just me being my over-analytical self, or could this be a topic for discussion?

Before you cast this aside as something you are not interested in, stop and put yourself in my shoes for a little while. 

Take yourself back as far as you can remember.  Your friends have always just been THERE, haven’t they?  It is not often that we have to actually go out to make an effort to make new friends.  Occasionally, this makes us appear ‘cliquey’, which, I have discovered, is not a trait unique to any one country.

We have so many different corners of our lives.  Work; family; social; sport or extra- mural are symbolic of different areas of our lives. We all have different facades to our day to day lives, we have highs and lows, times of success and riding high, times of despair and needs, times for money and times for poverty.  With each facade, we have a slightly different knit of friend, although there should always be one person that is current throughout all of these, without a doubt (in most cases), should be your partner, and, secondly, naturally, your BFF.

So what happens when life as you know it changes?

When you turn your world upside down, how do you start from scratch?  Have your values changed? What is important in the new friendships you build?  What do you need, perhaps?

 

My very first BFF was there even before I was born.  Those were the days when we didn’t need anything in common to be ‘besties’.  She was 6 months older than me, and all we ever needed was our Mom’s to get together for a spot of gardening, or our Dad’s to meet to discuss farming.  Now, although we don’t speak regularly, we can still pick up where we left off.

At the age of 7 I made my very own Best Friend, our friendship based on the Ladybird version of The Secret Garden, where gardens and secrets were more exciting than the hamsters and cockateels that filled up our classroom with Mrs. O.  By the age of 10, we were inseperable, and spent the next 3 years as such.  I remember many a weekend spent at their house, reading books, dress-up play with her sisters, soaking up the snippets of cooking information from ‘Nana’, and watching MNET like it was a fairy story.  When we ended up our junior school years, and attended different high schools, my heart missed those days for a long time after.

It was in high school that I started cultivating friendships that have lasted the decades.  Some have broken apart, simply because we have grown into ourselves, some still stand firm, always on the other side of a text message; e mail; a phone call; or, wishfully, a drink and meal.

Following high school is the work scene, the social scene, the family scene, the mommy scene.  Interwoven in between all of these, is family; crucial, difficult, necessary, welcome. 

As an early 35-40 year old, I have built a very special group of friends.  We don’t live in each-others’ pocket, weekend in and out, sharing wine and whiskey and keys.  (I have my husband for that fortunately.)  However, those closest to me know what is going to upset me, what is going to make me smile, and what is going to make me love them forever.

But for now, I don’t have that anymore.

I may have the luxury of text messaging, Skype, Whatsapp, iMessage, Facebook, and the telephone at my finger tips.  But I can’t have you. 

So I have to find another you.

And this is my question?  How do I do this?

Seasons change, and luckily for us, as adults we become much more affable than we were as scholars, we step up to somewhere higher than what we just have in common.  We give of ourselves to support those that support us.  We find common ground that we can chat, laugh and cry among ourselves. As adults, this is easy enough to grasp, and although I have written that, I am still not sure of myself here in Strasbourg to attract a meaningful friendship.

Of the French citizens or locals, they all have their meaningful relationships, so I will be on the sidelines for a long time still.  With a city like Strasbourg, expats come and go all the time, and you can understand the lack of interest in connecting with people who could leave after 3 years.

Of the expats, I left school last week with a handful of new phone numbers on my phone. 

It is the school holidays you see, and the English and American Mum’s are all looking to hook up to keep the children busy. Aha!  You see.  Ulterior motive.  But if that’s what is going to be the source of me hooking up with another adult, so that I can have a coffee, or chatter, just to have a conversation that differs to little girl babble, then I will say thanks happily, and I will get in touch. 

However, to be very honest with you, I am hoping that in time, my RH, VK, MC, Toy, LD or Mrs B will come along, and there will be no pretenses and invisible walls up, and that I am able to be myself and know that I am understood. Maybe she is already in front of my nose, and I have not even noticed it yet

 

While on the topic of making friends, the other issue that is worrying me even more so, is my little Angel Alex. 

Sensitive and big hearted, Alex is determined to fit in and be accepted, which is not an unusual need for a 5 years old.  She is now surrounded in her class by many English speaking girls, and a 5 year old peer group would dictate that she needs to be part of the group.  Except, she is the newcomer, the subtle outsider; she has been pushed away occasionally, and does not talk and act like a 5 year old Barbie, with blonde hair and an American twang.

On these days, my heart breaks too many times over, and I try so hard to tell her that acceptance at that level is not necessarily the most important part of her day.  I have tried to encourage her to be unique, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I have tried to encourage her to play with the French speaking girls, which is impossible due to her lack of communication skills, and I have suggested that she tries to play with some of the boys.  There are 2 boys who speak French and English, who ‘hang’ together.  In fact one is half South African.  As much as Alex (and my Bethey) LOVE Luke, I have been told by my wise Angel that boys and girls do not play together. 

Nevertheless, she deals with it, she wakes up every day, dresses carefully, and heads off to school without batting an eye, without shedding a tear, with a smile on her face.  She is truly amazing, and has more strength and love in her beautiful soul than I have in mine sometimes.  God has given us a precious angel in the form of my Alex.

On a last note before I finish up, Beth is Beth.  She is strong, and determined, and fearless.  She seems to have befriended a few boys- one class mate in particular loves her, but Beth seems to only have eyes for Luke.  And Alex is her hero.  She will follow Alex to the end of the earth if necessary.  I do hope that each of their personalities eventually rub off on each-other.  Beth could do with some grace, and Alex could do with some fearlessness.

 

I think that deep down I know the answer, and that all I need is to be myself.

I can be that, and I will encourage Alex and Beth to be that too.  Most important is that we have each-other, and with Anton at the helm of our family, the puzzle pieces will eventually fall into place.

For now, I will drink coffee with Hayley and have her guide me to the best spots in the city for bargain shops, and I will drink beer and bubbles with my hubby in the safety of my lounge, and take Alex and Beth walking for exercise in the Park.  I will miss being able to talk about food and ingrediants, but that will come.

And I will be happy. 

*Post script:  This was written over the period of 5 days, and I have had too much time to think about it.  I apologise if it is all over the place.