Pinot, Bretzels, and Cathedrals

Hello my dear friendies,

I am not going to lie to you, today I am in a rotten, rotten mood.  Something set it off, and I am currently feeling quite overwhelmed with a feeling of dread.  What set I off?  Is it to do with the fact that tomorrow is would be Moms 65th birthday, and I am really just missing her so much that it hurts?

Or is my mood to do with a completely unexpected ridiculously idle chat this morning with a friend, which started off about The Easter Bunny and ended up with me feeling uneasy about believing in my Christian faith?

Or could it be that my body cycle is out of sync with the moon because somewhere on Saturday night, an hour of my life was just whisked away into the ether?

The latter is really a moot point- this would be the 5th daylight saving hour I have lost in my life, and I don’t think I ever sank to the depths of frustration after the previous 4.  Contrarily, I didn’t react in any way by gaining an extra hour of sleep in the previous Octobers.  Granted, one of those was on my birthday, and I slept badly because I had had too much celebratory Champagne, but like I said, it’s a moot point.

And as much as it’s a moot point, it still befuddles me.  I mean, really- just look at how easy it is to toss away an hour of your life.  Oh, yeah- look at that.  Can you see what I’ve just realised?  That’s all I do now days.  Throw away hours of my life.  Like spending some ridiculously random time this week scanning this years bloody bureaucratic cafeteria inscription applications forms and also ‘trying to sort out the photos on my phone’ just so that I stop getting reminders from Apple that my iCloud is full, and “no, I’m not going to buy any more Cloud space”.

But getting back to the changing of the clocks, I read a blog post a few weeks back about parents whingeing about how insane it was on their kids, and I scoffed at it.  Really, I will take ANY reason to have more daylight hours (mostly because I despise the darkness of European winter), so I reckoned I will just deal with whatever ‘daylight saving’ recall comes my way.  After all, my kids have never really been affected by it much, right?

Wrong!!!  Sheesh-kebab, was I in for a shitty day when school reopened after the long weekend.  Beth was so otherwise she managed to wrangle an afternoon at home with me, claiming tiredness.  Tiredness my ass. And we’ve been at loggerheads since…

 

 

18 hours later:

I ran out of time yesterday after wacky-Wednesday, where my kids main-line Netflix between lunch time and dance class, after-which I collapsed on the rug in my hallway, wiping up spilt water after an indoor ball game.  (Beth doesn’t understand NO!) (actually, she just doesn’t listen to a single thing I tell her. But I still try.)  After seriously questioning my role in life, I welcomed a glass of wine after the girls fell asleep on the couch toodled off to bed.

And now here I am, having tucked cafeteria inscription applications into envelopes, eaten breakfast, and pretty much nothing else barre stare at Facebook, trying awfully to not see the messages being posted on Mom’s wall, but being drawn inextricably there to give myself a reason to feel so hollow.

Dammit.What is the normal behaviour for this situation?  Do I plaster my own FB page with photos ‘in memory of’, do I alter all my social media accounts to show the world that I miss Mom so much?  Do I keep it on the QT and pretend to be strong, which I am not? I feel like I need to send a birthday message but really- what is Dad, my sister, my brother, my aunts, whoever, going to do with that message?  What do I say?  Life is supposed to go on, and every other day (well, mostly anyway) life does go on without having to feel this sadness..

But today I can’t.  Today I am lacking in humour, lacking in patience and feel miles away from any happiness. All I have is a cynical outlook on just about everything, so if you happen to bump into me, it would probably be best to ‘just throw chocolate’. (Or alcohol.)

Tomorrow is Friday, it will be a new day, bringing forth a new mood, and it is the start of the last holidays before the long summer ones.  With things to get through before our Berlin trip next week, I am hoping my mood will find an upward curve.  And the next time I write, I am hoping to tell you all about that!  Berlin- seriously, I have been dreaming of this visit for a very long time.

As for this afternoon, baking cakes is on the cards, Osso Bucco for dinner (if I can get it in the oven at a decent hour) and a meeting with Alex’s teacher to collect her school report.

You, on the other hand, should discard this dreary letter, have another cup of coffee, and not think too long about the 10 minutes of your time I just wasted.

And as a footnote, Happy 65th Birthday to my very special Mum.  I will have to think of something more poetic to say, because right now, I am still too numb.

 

 

Love you all,

Xxx