Pinot, Bretzels, and Cathedrals

Dear friends,

First and foremost, I wish to humbly ask your forgiveness for my very chronic all time low letter on Monday night.  Ironically, I wasn’t even a little pissed when I wrote it, I was just hurting like hell after what had been a difficult weekend, after a tumultuous 7 months.

Secondly, I am sorry that I inadvertently directed you through to my “Lemons” blog.  Please erase all links to it- its very much my alter ego and while I’m not hiding my thoughts, they’re generally quite sad and all the rest and there is no need to bring any more moroseness into your lives.

Thirdly, as you have read, I’m in the throes of a bumpy marriage at the moment.  It has been going on for a while, and as much as I wish there was a quick fix, or a feasible easy way out, there isn’t.

There is no such thing as a quick fix.  Either we solder the pieces of our marriage back together with time and patience, faith, and, I hope – care, or we fix it by splitting up.  I cannot (and will not) just pack 3 bags, buy 3 plane tickets, and head to the airport.  There really is way too much at stake (and its a physical impossibility given I need a letter to say I can travel alone with the girls)

I am who I am.  I have moments of deep insecurity, and I have moments of utter confidence.  I experience highs and lows.  I think and talk my thoughts freely and frequently, possibly to my detriment.  This is not the first time I have had to apologise and retract words I have written or spoken. And occasionally I don’t listen properly.

My hubby is who he is.  He’s a man to whom words don’t come easily.  He speaks carefully, and hates confrontation. His lack of words and confrontation is hard for me, because I start to read or hear things into it that are not there.

We have 12 years of a life and memories at stake.  We have the lives of 2 girls at stake, who don’t only need a mother.  They will need their father present and there for them to pick them off their bike, to say no to the boys that come to the door.

On the other hand, I have had times of frustration and sadness recently.  We both know that we are entitled to happiness.  Unfortunately I am deeply torn as to which is the best direction to take.

I have spent many many hours recently talking to my friends and family.  I talk in order to get stuff off my chest, because I CANNOT bottle this up and act like nothing is going on.  That’s me…I have asked questions to get some valid facts about things I may need to know.  But please know and understand that while I have expressed deep secrets and seemed to ask advice, what ever I do will be my/our decision.  I will not do what people tell me because they are not in my shoes, in my house and in my life.

Also, I have been open about many things, and I have been, praying that there are people out there who will not judge my husband unduly.  I know I have expressed many horrid feelings, please understand that none of us in the world are without our faults.  We each have a different perspective on what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and unacceptable.

As much as I would like to say “Forget everything that you have read and heard from me”, I realise that you cannot ‘unsee’ a bad movie, but I would really appreciate it.  I in turn, will do my very hardest to control my urges to blab to the world, and not think my way through things that are not there.  It is only fair to my hubby as well that I apologise for highlighting our personal issues.

I am sorry.  To you all.

Sincerely,

Moi,

xx