Pinot, Bretzels, and Cathedrals

March 12th

A gentle hand, a generous thought, a moment from your day spent on caring for others, for the fragility of our overexposed hearts.

Sometimes it’s not the physical act of giving that counts in making a difference.

Mostly, it’s the little acts of kindness that make the biggest difference.

Greet the old lady with a smile as she clutches at her cane while walking up the path. Her frown may simply be loneliness taking its toll.

Drop by a friend who might need a different voice in her head.

Offer a plate of snacks to a neighbour.

A plant cutting or a seed packet, an date to walk, to coffee, to distract.

Sometimes we can’t see how much of a difference we make for the thorns that tear into our own hearts, the fatigue from carrying on regardless, and finally when the space becomes clear, fill it with light.

(@gaenor_67

March 20th

It’s been many many months since I last woke up to the sound of hubby’s music in the kitchen as he goes about his morning Saturday routine.

Roused by my favourite Die Heuwels Fantasties song ‘Klein Tambotieboom’ (okay, tie-first favourite: Ballade is most evocative for me), I crawled out from my duvet and shuffled to the kitchen to collect my coffee to see what festivities I was missing at this early Saturday hour.

(Crawled and shuffled?? Yoh. My post-work/on-my-feet-all-evening age does not love me much).

For the first time in many days, hubby has a smile on his face and as he hands me my black coffee, he says “Music really does make anybody’s mood better!” And proceeds to sing “as die son bo die rotse opkom” in his Dad voice.

My own music choices while out running and commuting have strongly veered towards anthems and the word ‘change’ has featured often, as if I’m preparing myself for what is coming this spring. Sia has a song called ‘Courage to Change’ and there’s another by an American folksy/alternative country singer called Katie Pruitt titled “A Change is Gonna Come” and I’m consuming them like a mantra.

If I let my head be consumed by the notion of change, it weighs heavily – as if I can’t accept that something needs to change. Be it my attitude to running, my acceptance of my work situation, a need to change my bad habits, create more positive habits- it’s all so uncomfortable admitting that maybe the way

I’ve been doing things lately isn’t working for me…. I struggle with the psychological implications involved in this word. One one hand, being able to adapt at the changes in our lives is necessary because essentially you won’t grow by being left behind.

And on the other, sometimes we change within ourselves to adapt and protect our bodies: still our voices to go unnoticed after being hurt maybe, or to adapt our behaviour to consider other peoples habits and cultures.

It’s a minefield of debate and discussion isn’t it?

Instead why can’t we be like these 500 year old buildings standing firm on the banks of an old canal, not needing to change anything except the colour of the leaves on the trees standing guard? Thoughts?

@gaenor_67

April 4th

Work Pathways and steps and passages,
Routes and roads and alleys,
Hotels and churches and ornate ironware, steeples and spires and oculus windows.
This is where my foot treads a path.

The setting sun, the reaching shadows.

Sometimes towering grey black clouds,

Sometimes clear blue skies,

Sometimes the grey sits heavy like a weight, oppressing and nagging.

The days have passed,

Many nights too.

Same views, the same photos,

Things have come and gone, things will still come and go,

And yet,

Never again will the setting sunlight bounce off the churches walls and across the painted rue as I breathe in a final breath before stepping back into that kitchen.

The little things that you seek out for a sense of peace against the humdrum- this is me taking a moment of gratitude.

@gaenor_67

May 1st

It’s been a week of my return not only to work after 3 weeks off, but also work in a new restaurant.

If you’re a person who works in offices/kitchens/hospitals/whatever it is you do that isn’t a home based job, you’ll know that the first days of the new job are overwhelming in the amount of information you have to take in, figuring out the personalities and work relationships of colleagues or exactly how you’ll see yourself filling a new formidable space.

Every time I have taken an actual 30 minute break or left to go home, I have attempted to put my thoughts into words. Fiction rather?

or should it be a rather overwhelming reflection of the trillions of thoughts that have rolled through my mind this week

~

• is there going to be a continuance of me wearing makeup to the kitchen as I started on Monday?
• minute kitchen spaces with maze of steps and storerooms below street level will be the death of my knees
• how am I going to be able to suffer the enormity of a boring uninspired and dodgy (IMO) profit-margins menu that would resemble a cantine menu in a fancy bank if it weren’t for the fancy decoration in the restaurant?
• let’s not even consider the irritating head-office nit-picking that resembles other establishments I’ve worked in.
  ~~
  But as much as I actually MISS an enormous homemade hamburger with a humongous portion of chips and generous salad (okay, maybe my weight won’t) the employee rights I now have do benefit me.

As I finish up a week of heaven sent day shifts, I plunge into a week of nights. I’m bleak but my colleagues are being forced to take leave due to accumulated working hours. IE- we don’t get paid overtime but we do need to take days off if we have done more than our contracted hours.

Tell me- why not pay overtime but instead have a rolling list of staff on leave? Is it a mental health concern?

Lastly, as we clear up Sunday brunch ~

I suspect that all men (including my hubby but I’m going to excuse him in this because he brings me coffee in bed every morning) are incapable of ‘cleaning as you go’ not to mention wiping down work surfaces with any type of efficiency.

This job, it really is a man’s world isn’t it?

@gaenor_67

May 4th

May.

You crept up on me this year.

I see the days click over as the seasons change, as the buds begin to burst open and shades of green fill the brown spaces that winter left behind, with each new wild part of this earth reminding me that life is for living.

Yet.

Yesterdays sunlight path won’t be the same tomorrow. The lilacs will fade, the shadows will move.

Is this the same as grief? Will it eventually fade away to almost silver-white souvenirs, or will it be an anniversary of yesteryear creeping up like a stalker and then leaving you breathless and ruined?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

For until the next season floods in with garish bright sultry stickiness, to fade into chills and nakedness once again, life will not stand still.

It’s May. It’s the days creeping closer to omnipresent dates, to creeping memories and final goodbyes. Soon it will be a June, and you’ll still be a photo on my wall, a voice in my head, a spirit in my dreams and a chromosome in my dna.

Everything will be alright.

@gaenor_67

May 9th

Hi Mom,
It’s been a while. The sadness I used to feel has diminished in the simplicity of life needing to continue.
Of course, you’re never far from my mind: every time I see sunlight dropping to the earth from a ominous cloud, the golden hour at sunset and a cup of tea, the early morning light over new buds in the garden, when I’m looking for a recipe and a card you sent falls out as a placeholder, even in my own voice when I try to give support to my children as you would have done so many times.
For the most part, you’re sitting in a little part of my soul just content to be part of me.
And then this Sunday appears on my calendar. This Sunday when I held you in my arms, you sitting in a hospital bed with IV drips propping you up and every single Mothers Day wish that people share remind me of that time.
No, I’m not dwelling in my grief. I may be sitting on a tram writing this with the mascara I applied earlier staining my crows feet; not entirely the best look for me as I head into work but it is what it is. Soon it will be the days end and I can return to my own babies, and I will have nestled you back into a safe space.
We miss you Mom, and send all our love and wishes.
Love,
Me.
Xxx

@gaenor_67

May 18th

Like a company of light and delicate dancers, the feathery petals enclosed a nubile scent ripe for seduction.

Folds and dips, shades and lights, nuanced perceptions there for all to see.

And yet, glaring in her beauty, she shed her companions as adoration warmed her desire for validation.

Is this Life?:-)

@gaenor_67

May 31st

What are we all doing, fumbling around in the space between light and dark, with dreams lying in wait, aspirations and inspirations all held within a space that is surreal and like the twilight hour- that time between night and day that is, in fact-neither.

I stand watching, waiting for when the time will be just right. But if I continue in this way, will these cherries pass into fullness once again without waiting for me to catch up?

And thus, I write these words to remind myself of what I AM capable of, to take strength and courage and not allow myself to think I’m not good enough, that I don’t have what it takes.

And also- it’s everything this, this little moment of the rising sun and the ripening cherries. Isn’t it?

My apologies if you have seen any of these – not all of it is shared to Facebook, so perhaps if you’re only getting a partial view of my day-to-day, my previous newsletter didn’t make sense.

As of today, I am officially counting the days until our flights to visit South Africa in July. The working weeks are being taken in account as they come by, but beyond that, I feel like I’m just waiting. But, waiting for a holiday to see all of my favourite favourites- that’s all a girl needs. By the way, if you’re free and want to catch up, we’ll be in Gauteng from July 14th, KwaZulu Natal around the 28th, and back in Gauteng around the 9th August for 2 nights. You know where to find me- all over the meta: whatsup, instasham, farcebook as well as email, both on my french deets as well as our SA number and here if need be ;-).

But hopefully I’ll have something else for you here before then!

Have a great weekend!

Love,

Me.

Xxx